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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/22995415">Visitation</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/5wans_Kenobe/pseuds/5wans_Kenobe'>5wans_Kenobe</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>House of Kenobi [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Prequel Trilogy</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Afterlife, Alternate Universe - Ghosts, Anakin bashing, Eventual Smut, F/M, Force Ghost Padmé Amidala, I have trouble with verb tense, Literal Sleeping Together, My First Fanfic, Obi-Wan Kenobi Needs a Hug, Obi-Wan Kenobi is a Mess, Obi-Wan is everything, Obidala, Slow Burn</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-03-05</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-03-05</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-01 07:54:14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Explicit</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>8</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>10,315</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/22995415</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/5wans_Kenobe/pseuds/5wans_Kenobe</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>After Obi-Wan Kenobi is forced into exile on Tatooine:</p><p>He forced himself to replay Padme's death over and over. If he lived through it enough times, surely the pain would lessen. She never had a chance to hold her children. There was something in her final moments that pinned him down and he couldn't find a way to pull away from it. He was not able to clear the memory of anguish.</p><p>When he communed with Qui Gon about Padme’s visit, the older Jedi listened and nodded solemnly.  “There will be no harm in communing with Padme. Her spirit is restless as is your own.”</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Obidala - Relationship, Padmé Amidala/Obi-Wan Kenobi</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>House of Kenobi [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1808278</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>60</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>82</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Collections:</b></td><td>Obidala</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Rinsing out old regrets</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Obi-Wan hadn’t owned a clock in years but found he was still able to accurately guess the time within a minute or two. It was four fifteen in the morning and he was awake for no reason. Again. He searched his mind and body for tensions, irritations but found nothing new. He took out his old regrets, washing them one by one through meditation. Time, he knew, would eventually smooth down their sharp edges.</p><p>Working on autopilot, he dressed and ate bland protein porridge. Another day had dawned.</p><p>A low voice reached out to him through the Force and he acknowledged it with gratitude. The past two years on Tatooine had been pure misery. Learning to commune with Qui-Gon’s spirit had been the lone bright spot of his exile.</p><p>Besides the mundanity of daily life in the desert, there had been nothing to do but chase down the force connection with his former master. Qui-Gon’s Force ghost, it turned out, was never far from his consciousness. When he lifted the veil, his old master’s spirit came to him as naturally as a wave reaching out to the beach. After initial coughs and sputters, they could call out to each other freely. Sympathetic to Obi-Wan’s isolation, his master visited him daily. When his Master appeared, he rose quickly. No longer a hazy blue spirit, they had both poured themselves into their connection to give it physicality and strength.</p><p>Something in Qui-Gon’s energy was off so they did not speak to each other. They had started a new combat training exercise, slowing down even the simplest  movements. Qui-Gon breathed slowly into the shape of each gesture. One breath in, one breath out. Obi-Wan enjoyed trying to anticipate his master’s next slow move. He deflected slow blows easily. When his arms started to ache, he knew he was doing it right.</p><p>Qui Gon increased the pace of movement incrementally. Obi-Wan  smiled with relief as the pace of their sparring quickened. He had always craved the hum and glow of lightsabers. It shut out the pulse of silence that threatened to drive him into madness.</p><p>He enjoyed being guided by his old Jedi Master. They had known each other for so long that they had a vocabulary of slight gestures to indicate fatigue, pain, frustration, appreciation. He defeated his master easily, Qui-Gon’s lightsaber knocked out of his hands in a clean sweep. He always won because Qui-Gon is was more interested in perfecting the forms than strategy.</p><p>Qui-Gon flicked off his saber and studied Obi-Wan’s face. He tried not to squirm under his Master’s scrutinizing gaze. He had not cut his hair since coming to Tattoine but occasionally shaved off his beard for something to do.</p><p>Minutes passed as they stood together. Master and apprentice, watcher and the watched. Qui-Gon looked around Obi-Wan’s peaceful dwelling and nodded his head slightly. It was a gesture Obi Wan knew well. His master had made up his mind about something.</p><p>“It has been two years.” Qui-Gon’s voice carried conviction and absolute certainty.</p><p>Obi-Wan nodded, not knowing what time had to do with anything. Two years or two months. Living in the desert had not been his choice. Before he could ask what Qui-Gon meant, his Master was gone.</p><p>He would clean, he decided. Clean, then meditate, then read from one of his worn volumes on Galactic History of The Outer Rim. It wasn’t exciting but it was a plan.</p><p>A soft voice interrupted his reading. He was instantly on his feet, saber drawn. His mental connection was only open to Qui Gon and Yoda, who rarely spoke to him. This was different. It was a voice he knew well.</p><p>“Padme?” He called out. He had been warned by that Vader might try to contact him, might try to lure him into revealing his location. Cautiously, he reached through the voice connection. Padme’s image shimmered blue and hazy in front of him.</p><p>“Obi-Wan,” Emotion choked her voice. “Are my babies alive?” She was practically transparent but still a presence. Her hair was pulled back loosely from her face. The dress she wore, dark blue velvet with a high collar, and looked like it weighed a thousand pounds.</p><p>He staggered back, regarding the beautiful vision cautiously. Trusting his eyes was not a safe practice. “If you’re really Padme, tell me how you died.”</p><p>She shook her head slightly and straightened her neck, trying to clear away emotions. “I died that day in the operating room. I told you there was still good in him. Those were my last words.”</p><p>His jaw tensed, remembering that horrible day. He tried to peel away the pain and grief. He had been the last person she saw before she died. Of course she had come to him, but how had she connected to his consciousness?</p><p>“Your children are alive. I’m not permitted to say much more.”</p><p>“Thank you for telling me.” She folded herself onto the floor, hand covering her face, as she wept. “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.”</p><p>He knew it was really Padme in an instant. If Anakin or Palpatine were trying to imitate her, they wouldn’t think to apologize for crying. She never apologized for anything besides her emotions. He focused his energy and pulled force energy through the connection, opening himself slightly to her.</p><p>He didn’t allow himself to get close to her, he knew himself better than that. Padme was not someone he felt safe touching. Instead, he sat beside her on the floor.</p><p>Obi-Wan leaned further into her force. Her image clarified as her gentle soul merged with his. He had always admired her strength and calm nature. “I can tell you the children are being raised in a family setting. They are well loved.“</p><p>A sob rose up and she disappeared. His home seemed suddenly emptier, silence thrumming in his ears.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I hope it's clear that he is communing with Qui-Gon's force ghost. I know it might seem like a stretch for Padme to contact him but I'm going on the Legends version of the Netherworld of the Force:</p><p>https://starwars.fandom.com/wiki/Netherworld_of_the_Force/Legends</p><p>I'm going on the assumption that because Qui-Gon was pretty awesome at everything that he would naturally excel at being a force ghost / spirit so he'd be able to commune longer. </p><p>https://www.inverse.com/article/57006-star-wars-rise-of-skywalker-force-ghost-luke-rules</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Seen from afar</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Her appearance unnerved him for days. He dove into his routine with renewed vigor. Meditation, combat exercises, reading, cleaning, haggling with the occasional Jawa to avoid traveling into the Anchorhead settlement for supplies. He considered cutting his hair, wondering if there might be a connection between his sloppy hygiene and this mental fissure that had allowed Padme to slip into his consciousness.</p><p>He forced himself to replay her death over and over. If he lived through the memory enough times, surely the pain would lessen. She never had a chance to hold her children. There was something in her final moments that pinned him down and he couldn't find a way to pull away from it. He was not able to clear the memory of anguish.</p><p>When he spoke to Qui-Gon about Padme’s visit, the older Jedi listened and nodded solemnly.</p><p>“There will be no harm in communing with Padme. Her spirit is restless as is your own. You must be open to new experiences. This will be a good thing for you.”</p><p>For the remainder of their visit, Qui-Gon seemed distant and answered every one of Obi-Wan's questions with more questions about little known aspects of force healing and guardian spirits.</p><p> </p><p>→</p><p><br/>Obi-Wan was working on the low-output moisture vaporizer when he heard her voice again. Qui-Gon had told him there was no harm in the connection. No harm for Qui-Gon he thought ruefully, his Master had the emotional range of a bar of soap.</p><p>“Padme?” He answered back. He hoped his voice sounded calmer than he felt. He shouldn’t feel anything, he reminded himself. He had no attachment to anyone or anything. Jedi Code. Attachment leads to fear, fear leads to anger...</p><p>Her presence was clearer than before, holding dimension, casting shadows. Was that her doing or his? He could swear he could smell her perfume. Sweet and soft like coconut milk. He wondered for a fleeting moment what he must smell like. Sweat and motor oil? He renewed his vow to up his hygiene game.</p><p>Padme studied Obi-Wan from head to toe. She had never seen him like this. He bore little resemblance to a tidy, meticulous Jedi Knight. He was stripped to the waist and covered in grime. His hair hung past his shoulders, there were smears of blood on his forehead and his stormy blue eyes were ringed by deep shadows. She knew she should ask about the blood but she didn’t want to risk saying anything that would prompt him to put on a shirt.</p><p>“Obi-Wan,” She folded her hands together formally and forced herself to look away from his lean, muscular chest and focus on his face. “I want to thank you for ensuring the safety of Luke and Leia.” Her face was radiant when she spoke their names. She was real, he reassured himself. No amount of sorcery could copy her smile.</p><p>“You haven’t asked me about him.” He wouldn’t say his name unless he had to.</p><p>“Oh, I know he’s alive. I can sense it. I don’t need to be a Jedi to know that Lord Vader is living out his dream of being a powerful Sith.” Anger dulled her eyes. “All the while, he is being played like a little puppet by the Emperor.”</p><p>He didn’t know what to say. Would it matter to her to know that he had been the one who had cut Annakin down to a shell of a man? Would she resent him for not finishing the job?</p><p>They stood in silence, the desert winds churning outside.</p><p>“I was tasked with watching over Luke.” He hadn’t meant to let that slip out.</p><p>“Is he nearby?”</p><p>“I cannot say.”</p><p>“They’re separated? Oh.” She was defeated by this news. “I had hoped they would at least have each other.”</p><p>Obi-Wan shook his head. “It’s too dangerous for them to be together. It had to be this way.” His words did not ring true. He had no idea how to make his voice sound sincere. Separating the twins had always felt like a horrible mistake. The anguish in her expression was so complete, he was almost able to forgive himself for what he said next. “Would you like to see him?’</p><p>“You can take me to him? Can we go now?”</p><p>He shook his head, “His adoptive father has asked me to stay away. I am sworn not to interfere.”</p><p>“If I could just see him for a minute.” Her voice was desperate.</p><p>“He might sense you and it might disrupt his bond to his adoptive mother. We can’t take away his stability.” He directed her to the living room. “I am sorry Padme.” He was unable to believe what he was about to do.</p><p>“Here.” Obi-Wan took Padme’s hands and put them to his bloody temples.</p><p>“What are you doing?” She was so close, he could barely think straight.</p><p>“Open your mind to me.” He whispered. “Listen to my breathing.”</p><p>She copied his slow breaths through his nose and out his mouth.</p><p>“Now together.” He instructed. She slowed her breaths to his pace.</p><p>“Are you reading my mind?”</p><p>“Shhh. Close your eyes.” He dropped his shoulders to focus himself, sending images through their connection.</p><p>It was hazy but Padme could see a small blond boy as he toddled after his uncle in a work room. He was carrying a bucket. Luke examined every tool on Uncle Owen’s workbench. Each item was systematically put in his mouth and then into the bucket. Owen kissed the top of Luke’s head.</p><p>Tears of joy streamed down Padme’s face as the image faded.“He’s beautiful. He’s so big and happy! Thank you.”</p><p>“You’re very welcome.” He wished, for the flash of a second, he could think of any reason to keep holding her hands. She vanished a split second later. He found himself gutted by her absence but managed to tell himself it was a relief.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>The plot device of 'sending images' doesn't relate to anything I can actually point to in Star Wars. It seemed like the sort of thing Obi-Wan would be able to do.  Taking some liberties here.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. He could have learned so much from you</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>After that visit, Obi Wan started bathing daily. Qui-Gon pronounced it a ‘vast improvement over the Jawa stink’ His lips switched thinking of earlier that morning when Qui-Gon had visited. They had been talking hypothetically about what Obi-Wan would do if the dark side suddenly ceased to exist. They laughed at his idea of making it his life’s mission to introduce soap to Jawas.</p><p>Qui-Gon had suggested turning Jawa washing into a competitive sport. “Just imagine the fun of having to run down one of those little fellows, pop him into a tub and scrub him up. Two points for a full wash down, one point for merely dunking them.”</p><p>Later when Padme called out to him, he felt more at ease with himself without the stench and grime. It had been a strain on his water supply but it was worth it to be more mentally organized. He had taught himself how to block off his mind, only allowing the connection with Padme. She was clearer to him now. He had never tried to section his consciousness off. It was so simple. It seemed strange he didn’t think of it before.</p><p>His hands shook as they sat together on the floor, knees touching. He told himself that it would serve to reinforce their connection. There was no harm in this connection, he reminded himself over and over again that Qui-Gon had encouraged this.</p><p>“Padme, do you like to play games?”</p><p>“No.”</p><p>“Let me rephrase that. Padme, let’s play a game.”</p><p>She moved even closer to him, folding her hands together with purpose.</p><p>“Tell me the names of senators you admire.”</p><p>“Off the top of my head: Bail Prestor Organa, Mon Mothma, Garm Bel Iblis”</p><p>“Good choices.” He couldn’t hold back a smile. “What are their home worlds?”</p><p>“Alderaan, Chandrila, Corellia.” She smiled along with him, even though she is unable to guess the purpose of their game.</p><p>“Alderaan, that sounds like an especially nice place for a child to grow up.”</p><p>A light flash of understanding crosses over her features, her sad eyes lighting up. Padme grabbed his arm, “Leia?!”</p><p>Obi-Wan’s eyes twinkled.</p><p>She hugged him. He struggled to memorize the feeling before it was over.</p><p>“She's with Bail?! Oh Leia!" Padme's voice was strangled with emotion.</p><p>"I wanted her to be safe. I - I thought putting her with your parents might put them both in danger."</p><p>Tears overflowing, Padme nodded. "Breha Organa was a queen. Oh - Leia is a princess?!” She pressed her lips together, trying to contain her joy.</p><p>“I imagine a castle might be a very safe place for a child.”</p><p>“Can you see her?” Her face is ablaze with joy.</p><p>“It’s too far, I’m afraid. I’ll - I’ll try to work on it.”</p><p>She nodded, taking it all in. “Will - will you get in trouble for telling me?”</p><p>“You were one of the greatest minds of your generation. You figured it out on your own.” His smile faded. “That’s the part I never understood about you and Anakin.”</p><p>“What?” Her voice dropped to a whisper.</p><p>“You’re a brilliant woman. Why didn’t Anakin confide in you?”</p><p>“Lord Vader was under the misperception that he was the Chosen One.” She absentmindedly ran her fingers along their connected knees.</p><p>Obi-Wan allowed the warmth of her touch to wash over him. Concentrate, he commanded himself “You don’t think he was?”</p><p>“No. There is a vast difference between potential and greatness. You cannot simply be the Chosen One, you must become that person. You must choose the right path, make the hard, ethical choices and have half decent judgement. People don’t deserve honor simply because they are born with potential.”</p><p>“Well said Senator Amidala.”</p><p>“Annakin felt <em>entitled</em> to respect he had not earned. When he started to fall under the shadow of the dark side, the easy lure of prophecy weakened him. He didn’t view me or anyone else as his equal.”</p><p>“He saw you as the ideal woman. He worshipped you.” Obi-Wan countered.</p><p>“No. He projected an idea of what he thought I was. Some angelic person he would protect and adore. He didn’t want to know me.” She shook her head dismissively. “Anakin was never curious about me as a person, what I cared about or thought. He just wanted to <em>have</em> me. I honestly feel like he believed I belonged to him.”</p><p>“He was consumed by his love for you. He said that he fell in love with you as a boy when he met you on Tatooine.”</p><p>She laughed ruefully. “He was a child. I don’t think his feelings for me ever grew up.”</p><p>“He could have learned so much from you.”</p><p>She smiled, her eyes showed fatigue. “He was too stuck in a boyish mindset. The weight of the prophecy was more than he could handle. Having everyone acknowledge that he was a powerful Jedi became his first priority. When you feel like you’re more important than other people, no one is ever going to give you enough attention.” She sighed. “I wasn’t enough for him.”</p><p>Obi-Wan shook his head in disbelief. “You can’t possibly believe that. It was never about your worth. You’re a - I don’t have words for the kind of person you are.”</p><p>She rolled her eyes. “I practically handed the Imperial Senate over to Emperor Palpatine on a silver platter along with the last shreds of democracy. They should have tried me as a war criminal.”</p><p>He grinned, bumping his shoulder into hers. “That’s a bit over the top, don’t you think?”</p><p>Their shoulders stayed together. The weight of her body against him was heavenly. It occurred to him this was the happiest he’d ever been in his entire life. He wanted to push it further, lose the carefully measured control that used to seem like such an accomplishment.</p><p>“Will you show me your memory of the babies being born?”</p><p>He shook his head, his shoulders fell. “I can’t. It’s tied to memory of your death. It’s too emotional for me.” He caught her eye. “But I’ll work on it.”</p><p>She nodded. “You probably can’t show me how you managed to not kill Lord Vader?”</p><p>“Working on that one too.”</p><p>“Here, this memory is an easy one.” He took her hand to his temple. She watched his slow breath and copied his rhythm. “Shhh.” His voice was the lightest whisper. “This is the first time I met you.” He passed the memory to her. She was disguised as a handmaiden in a yellow-orange hooded dress.</p><p>She giggled. “I didn’t think you noticed me! My gods, I look like I’m nine!”</p><p>He couldn't help laughing with her. Laughter made her flush and it was the single most beautiful sight he had ever seen.</p><p>“I’d like to see the inside of the temple sometime.”</p><p>He is taken aback. “No. You don’t. It was the worst massacre. -”</p><p>“No, I meant before the destruction. I never truly set foot inside.” Padme studied his troubled expression. Her hand reached out instinctively to wipe away the tear that pooled in the corner of his eye. He shuddered at her touch, bowing his head. She had never seen him so emotional. She wanted so badly to comfort him.</p><p>He nodded. “I’ll look for some happy memories. Next time?”</p><p>“Of course!” She tried to be cheerful. Silently, she cursed herself. Why was she always trying to smooth away other people’s emotions? “Can sharing memories go both ways?”</p><p>He shrugged. “I don’t see why not.”</p><p>She put his hand to her own temple playfully. “Anyone home?” She hated that this idiotic cheerfulness was her default setting.</p><p>She placed her hands over his. “Let me think. Oh, this is when I first met you!”</p><p>Their breathing synched quickly. She played the memory back to him. He and Qui-Gon jumped down off a balcony in the Naboo palace courtyard. His lightsaber sliced through battle droids effortlessly. He flicked off his saber and visually took in the procession of the decoy queen and handmaidens. His eyes locked onto Padme. Obi-Wan’s eyes travelled the length of her, dazzled. She replayed another memory of seeing him, his expression turned to an eager smile upon seeing her. Unable to stop, she played memory after memory of seeing his eyes light when he saw her face.</p><p>She stopped, aware of his obvious embarrassment.</p><p>“You caught me staring.” He got up too quickly.</p><p>“You- you were never anything but professional then.” She stammered.</p><p>“Unlike now?” His voice broke with the stress.</p><p>Padme was silent. She wished there was a way to tell him that she liked it when his voice strained with emotions. When cracks showed through his peaceful facade.</p><p>“I guess I’m slipping. Maybe you should leave?” He was angry with himself. He had let everything go too far. He felt stupid and out of control.</p><p>“I don’t want to go.”</p><p>“I’m having a bit of trouble with the focusing. Perhaps I should leave. The desert is lovely at night. I never seem to make an effort to see it.” He was frozen in place, unable to force himself to leave.</p><p>“I could go with you.” Her voice took on the fake, cheerful tone she despised in herself. No wonder he was desperate to leave.</p><p>“I don't know how to be near you Padme.”</p><p>“I’ll leave but I am coming back tomorrow if you’ll have me.”</p><p>He gave up. It was hopeless. “I don’t think I can say no.”</p><p>“You <em>can</em> say no to me.”</p><p>“No, I do not think I can.” His voice took on the fractured tone that stirred her soul.</p><p>She got up to leave. Before she disappeared, she looked over her shoulder at him. “I don’t mind that you enjoy looking at me. I’ve always liked looking at you, Master Kenobi.”</p><p>He slumped back as she disappeared. It was going to take serious meditation to keep his mind off her tonight.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I totally disliked the shift Padme's character made from being so strong in Phantom Menace to being reduced to a sort of plot device in Revenge of the Sith.<br/>https://www.wired.com/story/star-wars-padme-amidala/</p><p>I follow The Force That Binds by Celestial_Alignment and really like the way the relationship between Padme and Anakin is handled in the narrative. The dialogue between Anakin and Padme always seemed immature compared to the way she spoke as a senator.</p><p>As politically minded negotiator, Obi-Wan must have been able to appreciate Padme's intellect.</p><p>I should probably delete the part about washing Jawas but it cracked me up when I thought of it. It will probably disappear eventually. I liked the idea of Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon having a strange sense of humor.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Only You</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The next day passed uneventfully. Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon used the combat training exercise they’d dubbed Plus One. Qui-Gon would start with a form and Obi-Wan had to copy it and add one of his own. Each Jedi copied the previous string of moves until one of them made a mistake. Obi-Wan could rarely get past twenty without error. Qui-Gon never faltered. In all their years training together, Obi-Wan had only won a handful of times. Each time, he suspected his mentor had let him win.</p><p>He updated Qui-Gon on Padme’s visits. He confessed his embarrassment to his mentor. Qui-Gon was the only family he had ever known. They had both trained with Yoda who insisted on maintaining strict boundaries with his padawans.</p><p>The older Jedi clamped a large hand on Obi-Wan’s shoulder. “You would have to be blind and deaf to not be affected by Padme Amidala.”</p><p>Obi-Wan exhaled with relief, he was more grateful for his former Master than ever.</p><p>“The question becomes what purpose does it serve to allow yourself to enjoy feeling physical attraction? What is to be gained or lost if you follow those feelings?” Qui-Gon had a stare that cut deep into his soul.</p><p>“Master, this is more than physical attraction.”</p><p>“I have known you since you were a youngling. I would have given my life for you.” He paused allowing the weight of his words too sink in. “I know <em>you</em> would do the same for <em>me</em>.”</p><p>“I would, without hesitation, Qui-Gon.”</p><p>Qui-Gon’s eyes crinkled in the corners as he smiled. “Meditate about that. I believe there is a larger question you are not asking yourself. ”</p><p>→<br/>She came to him in the evening. He was in bed reading. When she sat on the edge of the bed, his body started to shake with her proximity. There was nothing transparent or ghostly about her now. Their connection was easy, fluid and warm. She did not look away from him nor him from her. She wore a plain white dress with a heavy blue robe. Her hair was loose and draped over one shoulder.</p><p>He sat up and pulled a pillow onto his lap to hide his arousal. “It is good to see you.”</p><p> </p><p>She was momentarily dazzled by his smile and bare chest. “Um- It’s late. Were you going to sleep soon?”</p><p> </p><p>He shook his head. “I’d much rather visit with you. It’s a treat to see you in the evening.”</p><p>“I thought I might try to give you a break from my visits but I grew restless from not seeing you. I was pacing.”</p><p>“Padme, I am always pleased to receive a visit. May I ask where you're when you’re not with me?”</p><p>“Because you should be the center of my world?” There was an icy edge to her voice.</p><p>“I asked because I want to know more about the nature of your existence.” His eyes sparkled playfully against her ice. “I only know one other dead person.”</p><p>“Master Qui-Gon Jinn is well, I trust?”</p><p>“He is Qui-Gon Jinn. Alive or dead, he is the same: disciplined, inventive, quiet-”</p><p>“- Comfortable.” Padme finished for him.</p><p>“Yes, he is a comforting presence.”</p><p>“You love him like a brother.”</p><p> </p><p>He stared at her, his mouth frozen in a smile. “That’s exactly what he was talking about today but I couldn’t see it. Yes, I do love him like a brother. By gods, you are a brilliant woman!”</p><p> </p><p>She flushed with the compliment. “I don’t quite know what you’re talking about but to answer your question about my days-”</p><p>“Yes please.”</p><p> </p><p>“I am in The Netherworld of the Force.”</p><p> </p><p>“What is it like? Qui-Gon doesn’t speak of it.”</p><p> </p><p>“In the entrance, there are a lot of dimly lit rooms. You recognize faces, not always names. There are quiet and peaceful places to walk and speak. I have space of my own.”</p><p> </p><p>“Like a room?” He interrupted.</p><p>“Yes. It’s like a small apartment. There are fireworks at night. You never feel alone.”</p><p> </p><p>“It sounds nice, peaceful.” He couldn’t hide the ache in his voice. “Why do you come to me, Padme?”</p><p>“We are connected.”</p><p>“Because of the children?”</p><p>“That’s not the only reason. I feel safe with you.” She struggled against the false cheeriness that so often crept into her voice. “I - I think you’re an interesting man. Frightening, strong willed, loyal.”</p><p> </p><p>“You’re pretty scary too.” He whispered.</p><p>“You think I’m scary?” She laughed and a knot in his heart loosened.</p><p>”Senator, I was always quite intimidated by your eloquence and your beauty.” Obi-Wan confessed.</p><p>Padme’s flushed crimson. “I always thought you were dashing and a bit out of my league Master Kenobi.”</p><p>“Do you -” He hesitated, uncertain what words to use. “Do you visit others?”</p><p>She is touched by how unsure he is of himself. She had never seen him express the slightest insecurity. “No, only you.”</p><p>He scooted closer to her, taking her hands. “I can’t clear it of pain but I’m ready to share the memory with you.” He drew her small hands to his temples, breathing in her perfume.</p><p>Padme’s eyes teared up instantly as she saw herself in the operating room through Obi-Wan’s eyes. His emotions rippled through her in waves, knocking her off balance. She saw the two of them and a surgical droid. She could feel Yoda’s presence but cannot see him. Obi-Wan gripped her hand and she cried out in agony as Luke is born. The infant was handed to Obi-Wan. His face was full of joy as he tried to place the baby on her chest. Worry creased his brow when he realized she was too weak to hold her son. There was a second cry. Leia’s tiny voice was loud and strong.</p><p> </p><p>The memory cut out moments before she died and they were both left shaking.</p><p>She threw her arms around him. “That was - thank you.” She choked out between sobs. “I’m so sorry, I’m always crying.”</p><p>“Please don’t apologize.” He gently pulled her closer to him, his hands cradled the back of her head, stroking her hair. He had never held anyone this close. As her cries dimmed, he continued to hold her tightly. This was the only place he wanted to be. Nothing in his life had ever felt as right as this moment. He held her until he fell asleep. When he woke, her perfume still hung in the air.</p><p>→</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Padme visiting him at nightfall is shifting their dynamic. I like the idea of Obi-Wan starting to show his vulnerability to her - his insecurity.</p><p>The vision of The Netherworld's physical look came from a dream I had decades ago about an afterlife. Everyone lived in generic apartments and there were parties every night with fireworks. Personally, I can't look at fireworks and feel loneliness.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. The nights</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The next night he shared with her the moment when he gave Leia to Bali Organa. The senator was beside himself with gratitude for the chance to be a father. Obi-Wan’s face was wet with tears as Leia’s small hand curls around his finger a final time. He allowed Padme to feel how empty his arms felt without the sweet, brown eyed baby girl. Padme wept uncontrollably.</p><p>→<br/>Then came the hardest memory to unfold. He shared the long flight to Tatooine, holding baby Luke on his lap. Changing his tiny diaper, feeding him, singing songs and whispering stories about Naboo to the wide eyed infant boy. Padme trembled along with him as he scrambled to come up with excuses to keep the child for himself. He wanted to run away with him. Anywhere, anything that would keep the beautiful infant in his arms forever. She wept with him as he handed the baby to Baru Skywalker and forced himself to fly away to the elegant desert home that felt like a prison cell.</p><p>→<br/>He shared his battle with Anakin. He did not try to hide his quiet rage or steady desire to murder his former Padawan. Combat, in each moment, was focused and controlled. She could feel the force flowing through him. The holiness of it. The rightness of each moment. The force flowed through Padme and back to Ohio-Wan. It felt sublime. Despite the horrid violence of the vision, they embraced comfortably in the end.</p><p>“You should have killed him. Just sliced his head clean off.” She sighed into his shoulder. The feeling of her breath through his shirt was exquisite.</p><p>“I should have tried to talk to him, to steady him. I knew he needed me. It was in my rage and weakness that I left him to suffer.”</p><p>Padme took his hand and traced the lines of his palm. It was the most delicious feeling he could ever imagine.</p><p>“That you could think of yourself as weak seems so strange. I knew Lord Vader was descending into darkness and I didn’t do anything. I am the weakest person-”</p><p>“No. I turned a blind eye to your relationship for years even though I could clearly see Anakin was not emotionally mature enough to handle it. I was so jealous of him and I overcompensated by acting as though your relationship was insignificant."</p><p>"You were jealous?"</p><p>His voice grew softer. "Even Jedi have feelings, Padme." </p><p>She studied him, unsure what to say. She wanted to laugh and cry at the same time. Obi-Wan stared out into the desert night.</p><p>"I treated Anakin like a child, silently indulging what I thought would make him happy. He needed the rigidity of Jedi training. Instead, I allowed him to dwell in his fantasies and delusions of greatness. I feared I would never be the Master he needed so I tried to be his friend. I idolized Qui-Gon and I knew I was not capable of being the teacher he was. It is the greatest failure of my life.”</p><p>“Don’t say that.”</p><p>“Padme, he tried to choke you to death because he thought we were together!" His voice broke and she longed to kiss his lips raw. Instead she lifted his chin so they were looking eye to eye. Her face held all her heaviest regrets. His eyes carried the same weight. Obi-Wan felt the world shrink down to this room, his bed. They sat staring into each other until tears rolled down his face.</p><p>She pulled him down into bed and he fell asleep with his arm clutched tightly around her. Outside, the desert winds howled. For the first time since he arrived on Tatooine, he slipped effortlessly into a deep, comforting sleep.</p><p>→</p><p>They fell asleep together every night for a week. She shared memories of her childhood before becoming Queen. Happy memories with her sister Sola and parents. There were also sad memories of traveling with her father to help save a colony on the planet called Shadda-Bi-Boran. The colonists failed to survive evacuation efforts and she spent weeks running from one hospital room to the next, trying to ease the suffering of the dying refugees. The children were the first to die, then the elderly. She was weighed down by one particular image of a small body, covered in a sheet. The last refugee was a historian who left his book collection to her. The volumes were the only record of the existence of an entire civilization.</p><p>Obi-Wan shared memories of training with his masters. The confusing methods of Yoda, the brotherhood and discipline he felt learning beside Qui-Gon. He shared his devastation following Qui-Gon’s death, how hollow he felt accepting his promotion to knighthood and how inept he felt starting Anakin’s training when all he wanted to do was grieve.</p><p>She was curious about his life as a celibate. He explained that there had been romances in his past. A physical relationship with a Duchess when he had been assigned on an extended mission to guard her. Padme’s mind flashed reflexively to her time in hiding on Naboo with Anakin. By the hollow look in his eyes, she could tell that he was viewing her memories.</p><p>His voice bent with emotion. “Why did you marry Anakin?”</p><p>“I was an idiot.” She dug her nails into her palm to stop herself from being fake and light-hearted.</p><p>Obi-Wan’s shoulders stiffened as he waited for her to continue. She could tell he was bracing himself for whatever she was about to say. “Falling in love with him was so easy. It felt like letting go at the edge of a stream, allowing myself to be propelled by the strength of a current. I was letting go of everything that was hard. You said Anakin was immature but I was so sheltered, I was twenty five but I’d never had a real relationship. I was like a child. I thought that I didn’t need to be strong because he could be strong enough for both of us. I didn’t have to be confident because Anakin hung every word I said. I know he wasn’t actually listening but he paid attention to me. I didn’t realize I was letting go of myself.”</p><p>“I wish you’d married me instead.” His voice was so soft that she couldn’t be sure he’d said it out loud.</p><p>A wave of sadness rushed over her. She clamped her hand over her mouth, covering a sob. “I do too.”</p><p>“We could have had babies.” His voice broke. “You wouldn’t have had to ask me to leave the Jedi. I would have left without a moment of hesitation.”</p><p>“You cared about me then?”</p><p>He nodded slightly.</p><p>“I didn’t know.”</p><p>“I thought I would be assigned to guard you when you went into hiding after the assassination attempt. In a thousand years, I never dreamt they would send Annakin. I planned to find a way to tell you how I felt. I thought we would have time alone and maybe you could might have grown to care about me.”</p><p>Her sobs echoed against the silent desert night as she mourned what could have been. They fell asleep staring into each other’s eyes across the ocean of pillows.</p><p>→</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>The idea of Obi-Wan being smitten with babies charms me. One of my favorite fanfics is Keep Breathing by Yesac where Obi-Wan and Padme become a family. I feel like his connection to Luke ran deep and was unshakable. </p><p>For Obi-Wan to have to transport Luke by himself to Tatooine seemed like a moment to explore. </p><p>I had initially thought that the part where he tells her that he wished she'd married him instead of Anakin should be at the end but I ended up moving it here. Not sure if it's the right place for it with everything else that's going but I love that section so much.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. You are not too close</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>smut ahead. you have been warned.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>On the 8th night, she did not come to him. After a week without her, he forced himself to accept that their time of communion might be over. He told himself that the cycle of their shared memories was complete. He held enough warmth to last a lifetime. The feeling of falling asleep with her in his arms was enough to carry him through any hardship.</p><p>→<br/>
In the mornings, Qui Gon had started to allow him to lead their training exercises. For the second day in a row, Obi-Wan chose straight forward, hardcore combat. The strategy, movement and fluid flashes of their lightsabers carried Obi-Wan outside himself. Qui Gon used his height to deliver crushing overhead blows that make Obi-Wan’s arms burn with pain. He was grateful for the exhaustion that followed. He showered and resolved to travel to Anchortown to buy new books.</p><p>He hated the sand cruiser, hated the clamoring sounds of the market. He missed shopping for food in Coruscant where you weren’t required to haggle over every single item. He spied a book on the history of Alderaan, snapping it up along with an impenetrable book of Naboo prose and a stack of fiction books set on Stewjon. He picked out a music player to appease Qui Gon who had been suggesting the purchase for months. He bought fresh fruit and candles that smelled like a cheap version of Padme’s perfume. He spent more in one visit than he had spent in the past year.</p><p>He felt alert and alive when he returned home. He put away the fruit and lit a candle.</p><p>“That smells nice.” She stood in the middle of his living room. Her hair was loose and free and she wore a spectacular gown made of heavy purple velvet with gold embroidered edges.</p><p>“I - I thought perhaps you were gone forever.” He stammered.</p><p>“Are you celebrating my departure?” She teased.</p><p>“Not at all. I am trying to live better because you reminded me that I’m alive.”</p><p>“Yes, you are.” She moved close to him. ”I’ve missed you.”</p><p>“Be assured, your presence has been missed.” He could feel his heart pounding as she took another step toward him. <br/>
<br/>
</p><p>Padme gently smoothed the crease between his eyebrows. “I’ve always wanted to do that.” </p><p>Thrown off balance, he set the candle down. Obi-Wan scanned her face, unsure what to do. Staring into her warm brown eyes, he knew he was teetering on the edge of a cliff. Everything he had ever known was on one side, the structured and disciplined life of a Jedi. On the other side was a vast ocean of uncertainty.</p><p>She slipped her hand under his jacket. Her nails raked through his fine chest hair before her hand came to rest over his heart. “I’m sorry.” She whispered softly. “Am I too close?”</p><p>“You are not sorry.” he challenged. “And you are not too close.”</p><p>She leaned forward and cautiously  kissed his clavicle.</p><p>Obi-Wan looked up at the ceiling with a boyish smile. He threw his arms wide to the universe. “Well that’s it for me. I’m done. I give up!”</p><p>“What are you talking about?!” She laughed, delighted to see him smile. She ran a finger down the side of his neck slowly.</p><p>“I can’t- I cannot resist you. I don’t want to.” He shook his head, a laugh twitching at the corners of his mouth. “You are too much for me Padme Amidala.”</p><p>In a fluid movement, he slipped a hand around the small of her back, yanking her body to him. Their mouths were so close, he could feel her breath. He whispered his lips over hers, almost touching, feeling her heartbeat thundering through her chest. She gasped as he leaned into her, his fingertips parting her lips slightly.</p><p>His first kiss was chaste, his lips closed and unyielding. He pulled back and stared into her eyes. Suddenly the hesitation, the glacier of uncertainty was gone and his lips crushed against hers, tasting her lips. His tongue darted to her, eliciting a moan of pleasure. Encouraged, he sucked hungrily on her lower lip. He kissed her like a man dying of thirst. Warmth coursed through him, melting away decades of tension.</p><p>She wasn’t sure if he’d pulled some kind of Jedi mind trick but without realizing it, she was clawing at his clothes. His pants were already on the floor- had she done that? </p><p>She kissed the furrow between his eyebrows, then his neck, trying not to bite him.</p><p>He was down to some sort of shorts. She gaped at his spectacular body. He was tan and thin from his time in the desert, just bones and muscle she thought as she bit greedily into his shoulder. She ran her hands down his muscular arms. “I want you. I want you.” She breathed into his ear.</p><p>Before she knew what was happening, he had maneuvered her onto the low dining room table.</p><p>“I have absolutely no hope of getting you out of these clothes. Oh hell.” He slid his hand up her skirt.</p><p>She moaned into their kiss as his hands ran up her legs.</p><p>“Blasted undergarments.” He grabbed a side and ripped her underwear from her body.</p><p>His fingers grazed between her legs. A deep moan escaped her lips. He trailed his hands between her thighs, feeling the slippery wetness that made him feel dizzy. His hand dropped all the way down her thigh and then started all over again, even slower. The fifth time, She whispered “Please.”</p><p>He studied her face. His eyes locked on hers as she gripped his erection and lined it up with her entrance. Still fully clothed, her heavy dress bunched between them as he slowly, slowly slid inside her. Their bodies fit together with the certainty of puzzle pieces.</p><p>“Perfect.” He whispered hoarsely as he sunk deeper into her.</p><p>They stared into each other’s eyes as their bodies adjusted to each other. She wrapped her legs around his back, drawing him deeper. He pulled her thigh up as he began to thrust into her. His mouth feasted on her neck and returned to her eager lips. Her fingernails dug onto his back trying to drag him closer as he thrust into her. She was blind with lust as she clung to his shoulder. Her fingers clutched at the hair at the back of his neck as her muscles stiffened with an orgasm. Her nails dug into his back and pressed her face into his neck as she moaned.</p><p>His pace was so excruciatingly slow, she thought she was going out of her mind with lust. “Please, please, please. I need you.”</p><p>He smiled through his kiss as he increased his pace ever so slightly. He read her thoughts and began massaging her clit in earnest.</p><p>“Oh gods, oh gods, don’t stop.” She pleaded. <br/>
<br/>
Encouraged by her cries, his fingers started to slide over her clit faster and faster. He moved in a frenzy until her entire body clenched in second orgasm. Her legs clamped against him, her back arched. He was in awe of her climax, her body electrified. His tongue chased hers as his thrusts became frantic. As he felt himself cumming inside her, he had a vision of the suns of Tatooine. Bright and pure and whole. His body was drained of tension, his entire soul was at peace.</p><p>In the moments afterward, when her mind rejoined her body, it occurred to Padme that she had never been with a real man before. Anakin seemed like teenager in all her memories. Sex had felt like a embarrassing performance for his ego. If she didn’t moan loud enough or tell him how magnificent their lovemaking was, he would retreat from her. Everything was about his desires and needs. Everything about their relationship revolved around him, trying to be cheerful enough for both of them, trying to reckon with his freakish sense of entitlement, his neediness. By contrast, Obi-Wan was a complete person, a man who didn’t need a performance or compliments.</p><p>She looked up and he was grinning at her. “Are you reading my thoughts?!”</p><p>“I am humbled but I do apologize, should have asked first.” He didn’t look sorry.</p><p>She met his eyes with a regal stare. “I have nothing to hide.”</p><p>“Nor do I.” He took her face in his hands. He kissed her deeply as his hand dipped between her thighs again. “I do so enjoy watching you come. Let’s try that again.”</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. Does your attachment diminish you</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Much later, they rested in the heap of his discarded clothing. She stroked his smiling face. “I promise, I won’t ever tell anyone that this happened. Ever.”</p><p>“Well, I certainly will.” His tone was playful.</p><p>“What?”</p><p>“It’s pointless to lie to Qui Gon. He’ll know immediately if I’m deceptive.”</p><p>“Aren’t you conflicted? Jedi Code and all of that?”</p><p>“Jedi can have sex but this is not just sex.”</p><p>”I’m sorry I pushed you.”</p><p>“Not at all. Giving myself to you is best decision I’ve ever made.”</p><p>“You’ve spent your life being a good Jedi.”</p><p>“I am still an excellent Jedi.” He stated without a trace of arrogance.</p><p>She laced her finger through the hair at the back of his neck and drew him into a slow open kiss. Her teeth bit at his lips seductively.</p><p>He blinked rapidly to attempt to clear his head. “Qui Gon was trying to to tell me - the truth was dangling before me but I couldn’t see it until you so succinctly pointed out the obvious for me.” He paused to kiss and suck her succulent lips. “Jedi are allowed to love but they are not meant to have attachments. That is the flaw in the entire system. I have attachments whether I want to acknowledge them or not. I’m attached to Qui Gon, I’m attached to Luke and to Leia. And now I’m deeply and profoundedly attached to you.”</p><p> </p><p>Her eyes search his. “Don’t you train yourself to not to care? I’m sorry, that came out wrong. Aren’t you above attachments?”</p><p>“I don’t want to be. I’ve stopped seeing value in pretending not to care.”</p><p>She propped herself up on one elbow, perplexed by him. “Will you get in trouble?”</p><p>“We’ll see.” He shrugged. “I can’t say that it matters to me if I lose my title.”</p><p>“But - but being a Jedi is your identity.”</p><p>His eyes blazed with emotion. “When I saw the destruction of the Jedi Temple, the younglings killed by my own Padawan - Nothing has made sense since then. I trained Anakin. I spent every day with him for a decade. The word Jedi has lost its meaning.”</p><p>“The Jedi Order has endured over the centuries for a reason.”</p><p>“Maybe it’s time for it to end. If it is meant to continue, perhaps I should not be part of it. My inaction, not reporting your relationship with Anakin cost the lives of so many fine Jedi.”<br/><br/></p><p>“Obi-Wan, Anakin was 22, He was an adult.”<br/><br/></p><p>‘He was my Padawan. He was a brother to me.”</p><p>Padme leaned against him, past regrets weighed her heart.</p><p>Obe-Wan kissed her forehead. “I’m meant to hide here in the desert for what, the next 16 years? Until Luke is ready to leave Tatooine? I’m forbidden from training him, I can't help him.  This is a prison sentence, not an identity." He softly traced the line of her neck down to the swell of her breast. "Don't look so sad Padme, this is absolutely the best day of my life.”</p><p>“Because of sex?”</p><p>“Because I know what I want. I thought it would be hard to make a choice but it’s the easiest thing in the world.”</p><p>“Even if you’re closing a chapter of your life?”</p><p>“So be it. We shall see what happens next.”</p><p>She was amazed by his calm demeanor.</p><p>“Now let’s get you out of this dress. I never imagined one single garment could weigh this much.” He swept her up in his arms. “I need a larger bed.”</p><p> </p><p>→<br/>Obi-Wan wasn’t sure what to expect from Qui Gon when he told him of his encounter with Padme. His master stared at him for a long time before speaking. “Does your attachment diminish you?”</p><p>“I do not believe so.”</p><p>“Let us test your focus.” Qui Gon hurled his saber directly at his head. Obi-Wan caught it reflexively. They began the combat exercise Obi Wan liked least. Qui Gon called it ‘Tethered’ but Obi-Wan called it ‘chained up like a junkyard dog’. His master used a chain of force to secure Obi-Wan’s left leg while fighting while Qui Gon moved freely.</p><p>“Is this a punishment?”</p><p>“There are no rewards or punishments in combat, Obi-Wan. One does always have the luxury of free movement when fighting an opponent.”</p><p>Without warning, Qui Gon came at him, saber raised. Blocking an overhead attack was one of Obi-Wan’s weaknesses. He braced himself, blocking with an upward movement which did nothing to slow Qui Gon. As the taller Jedi, drew his saber back, Obi-Wan plowed into him, shoulder first before tripping on his tether and falling at Qui Gon’s feet.</p><p>“And you’re dead.” Qui Gon tapped him lightly on the head. “Again.”</p><p>“If we were keeping score, that would be 462 to zero in my favor.” Qui Gon stared at his former padawan with an open expression. After a moment, he nodded. “This challenge with Padme Amidala will be good for you.”</p><p>“I find it interesting that you refer to it as a challenge, not a relationship.”</p><p>“We often confuse a well worn path as the only path. You have never wavered in following the Jedi Code. It will be good for you to deviate from the the expected course of action. You may learn more finding your own path than blindly following the one set out for you.”</p><p>→<br/>That evening Padme and Obi-Wan sat with next to each other in bed. Padme’s cheeks were flushed from an afternoon of making love.</p><p>“What will happen to us if someone finds out about us?” She held a finger to Obi-Wan’s lips. “And please don’t say that you don’t care.”</p><p>He kissed her fingers. “Qui Gon is obligated to report my actions to the Jedi Council. When he does, they will most likely call me into the The Netherworld of the Force to explain myself.”</p><p>“What will you say?”</p><p>“I plan to explain that I love you.”</p><p>She blushed, her eyes holding him in place. “That’s the first you’ve used that word.”</p><p>“For that, I apologize. Sentiment is new to me. I love you dearly.”</p><p>“I feel the same way. “</p><p>“You do?”</p><p>“I thought it was completely obvious that I was in love with you.” She smoothed the furrow between his brows. “I didn’t realize it until I saw the operating room through your eyes.”</p><p>“I would have left my life behind to be their father. I would have died protecting them.”</p><p>Obi-Wan shared the memory of the babies for her again. As he transferred the memory through her, he caught the detail he had always missed. He pulled his hands away from her temples, recoiling. “Dear Gods Padme, you didn’t want to see them, did you?”</p><p>Her face collapsed in tears. She turned away from him. “I didn’t. I knew I had to die. If I saw the babies, it would make it harder to leave.”</p><p>“Why didn’t you even try to survive?! You chose to die!”</p><p>She shook her head. “I gave them my life force, all of my strength, my love. It was the best thing I could do for them. If I’d lived, Vader would have found me. He would have known about the babies.”</p><p>“You knew they’d be safer without you? Oh, Padme.”</p><p>She nodded, tears flowing freely. “I should have tried to fight. I should have fought for them. I should have died fighting for them.”</p><p>Obi-Wan wrapped his arms around her. "I am so sorry that you felt so alone in that moment. I was right beside you in the operating room but I didn't understand what was going through your mind. You must have been terrified."</p><p>“All I could think was what he would do if he found them. He would have given them to the Emperor to toy with, to twist into his own servants. Their spirits would be crushed down to nothing. I didn't trust that I could be strong enough to protect them.”</p><p>"Padme, you <em>are</em> strong."</p><p>“I wish you’d killed Anakin.”</p><p>Obi-Wan faced her with a fierce expression. “I’m going to do something much worse. I have a plan. When Luke is old enough, I will find a way to force Anakin to kill me right in front of him.”</p><p>“What?” Padme whispered. “No.”</p><p>“I have no fear of death. You are on the other side.”</p><p>She put her hand over his heart.</p><p>“If Anakin strikes me down, if I am able to sacrifice myself, my force will break through into Annakin’s darkness. I can splinter the Emperor’s hold on him. Some of my light will never leave him. I will pass my power to Luke, to Leia . They will inherit the strength of my power, all the power Qui-Gon passed to me.”</p><p>Padme was speechless. Her feelings churned circles in her mind. “You’re reading my thoughts again, aren’t you?”</p><p>Obi-Wan leaned deeper into her. “Thank you for loving me.”</p><p>“My pleasure.” Padme whispers into a kiss.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Since  Anakin and Padme's relationship / marriage was kept secret, I wanted Obi-Wan to approach the situation differently. I wanted his confidence in his love for Padme to outweigh his fear of losing his title.</p><p>I guess a lot of the story's impact hinges on whether it's believable that Padme died on purpose. Watching the death scene in Revenge of the Sith, it felt like she was more interested in telling Obi-Wan that there was good left in Anakin than having a moment with her twins. That always struck me as a false note.</p>
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<a name="section0008"><h2>8. Judgement</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Qui-Gon’s voice reached out to him in the morning. “They want to see you.”</p><p>“Who is they?” Obi-Wan continued to dress slowly and deliberately.</p><p>“The Jedi Council of the Netherworld.”</p><p>“Any chance this isn’t about Padme?”</p><p>“I imagine they’re more concerned with the verbs in your life rather than the nouns.”</p><p>They sat together in mediation as Qui Gon slowly guided his former Padawan from the Outer World of the living to the shadowy entrance of the Netherworld of the Force.</p><p>Obi-Wan followed in Qui-Gon’s shadow. The walls his desert home became a shadowy series of hallways. He could see faces, murmuring voices. Padme appeared beside him. He took her hand and kissed it happily.</p><p>“It is very nice to see you so early in the morning. You look absolutely lovely.”</p><p>She offered him a radiant smile and gestured to her flowing, multi-tiered peach colored gown and matching cape. “Do you like my dress?”</p><p>He squeezed her hand, his blue green eyes ablaze with love. “You know I like you much better without a dress on.”</p><p> </p><p>At the end of a long hallway the Jedi Council of the Netherworld of the Force was gathered in a large circle: Plo Koon, Aayla Secura, Stass Allie, Saesee Tiin, Agen Kolar, Eeth Koth, Ki-Adi-Mundi, Mace Windu, Oppo Rancisis, Depa Billaba and Coleman Kcaj. Qui-Gon and Padme stood outside the circle.</p><p>Eeth Koth stood and offered Obi-Wan a seat. “Please sit, Master Kenobi.”</p><p>Mace Windu looked pointedly at Padme before turning to Obi-wan. He fixed him with an intense glare. “This relationship must end!”</p><p>“With Padme? It has hardly even begun.” Obi-Wan’s voice took on an amused tone.</p><p>“Enough!” Mace Windu’s voice echoed in the shadowy room.“You must sever the connection and step away from Padme Amidala.”</p><p>“Oh, I think <em>not</em>.”</p><p>“Vader could become aware of your presence through her.” Eeth Koth pointed out.</p><p>“Well, he can’t kill her twice.” Obi-Wan answered with a smile.</p><p>Aayla Secura leaned forward. “But he could still kill <em>you</em>.”</p><p>“He didn’t succeed in killing me last time.”</p><p>“And <em>you</em> failed to kill him.” Depa Billaba countered.</p><p>“I failed Anakin in many ways. Not only did I fail to exterminate his life force, I failed to save his soul.”<br/><br/>“Master Kenobi, we can sense the pain and remorse lingering in your heart.” Ki-Adi-Mundi spoke kindly. </p><p>“If Lord Vader senses your presence on Tatooine, what’s to stop him from checking in on his boyhood home?” Mace Windu challenged.</p><p>Padme flinched.</p><p>Yoda’s creaking, disembodied voice entered the fray. “In place the Force shields are?”</p><p>“Both Skywalker children are under our protection. As are Yoda and Obi-Wan.” Mace Windu stated with assurance. “I didn’t think anyone is in actual danger. This is a question of ethics. Of the Jedi Code.”</p><p>Obi-Wan shrugged. “Well I have no intention of being without Padme.”</p><p>“Attached you have become?” Yoda inquired.</p><p>Obi-Wan cast a warm glance at Padme. “Oh, most assuredly.”</p><p>“That is unfortunate.” Yoda’s voice scolded.</p><p>“Not in the least. I’m the most focused I’ve ever been. My relationship with Padme allows me to be more mindful of the Living Force. Instead of being bound by my past errors and failures, my concentration is on the here and now. My anxieties about the future have been quelled.”</p><p>Depa Billaba’s voice was low and soft. “You’re not worried about the dangers of attachment?”</p><p>“Padme is dead. It’s not as though I need to worry she’ll catch a cold or trip over a rock.”</p><p>”She could leave you.”</p><p>”I don’t deserve her in the first place. It’s a miracle she tolerates me at all.” Obi-Wan grinned at Padme.</p><p>”Please cease your flirtation and <em>focus</em>. This is a serious matter.” Mace Windu’s eye twitched in irritation.</p><p>“All right, why don’t you tell me what danger could there possibly be for me.”</p><p>Mace Windu glared. “Losing sight of your mission?!”</p><p>“What mission?!” Obi-Wan was incredulous. “I’m supposed to watch over a 2 year old - from a distance. I’m not allowed to train him or even talk to him. That’s hardly a mission!” Obi-Wan was shouting now. “Yoda tasked me with to learning how to commune with Qui-Gon, that took all of two months to figure out. Give me a real mission and I will complete it.”</p><p>“Arrogance does not become you Obi-Wan.” Mace Windu’s voice was sharp.</p><p>“This has nothing to do with your hatred of Anakin?” Qui-Gon asked quietly. All eyes turned to look at him.</p><p>“I do not hate Anakin.” Obi-Wan’s voice broke with frustration. “Countless mistakes were made in his training but I do not regret taking him as my padawan. I let him down. I let everyone in this room down when I did not report his relationship with Padme to the Council. I cannot calculate the ramifications of my inaction. I will never find the words to express the depth of my regret.”</p><p>”Obi-Wan, you could not have prevented the Emperor from twisting Anakin away from the Jedi.” <br/><br/></p><p>“He was my Padawan, apprentice, my brother. His descent into darkness pulls at me and I fight against the urge to spend every hour retracing each misstep along the way. I am damaged but I will not be broken by my wealth of  mistakes.”</p><p>Plo Koon studied him thoughtfully. “Are you trying to force The Council to dismiss you from the Jedi Order because of your feelings of guilt?”</p><p>“Master Plo Koon, you must believe me. This relationship is in no way a reaction to Anakin. I have had feelings for Padme since the moment I met her. Padme is a brilliant woman, she is the perfect companion and I am madly in love with her. For my role in not preventing Vader’s rise to power, I fully accept that I deserve to be banished.”<br/><br/></p><p>“This is not a banishment, Obi-Wan.”</p><p>Obi-Wan hung his head. “If I must live out my remaining years hiding in the desert like a rat, cowering in Vader’s shadow, I would prefer to do so with Padme.”</p><p>“What say you Padme?” At Depa Billaba’s question, all eyes turned.</p><p>Obi-Wan watched as Padme folded her hands before her. She looked like a Senator again, holding her ground against the Jedi elite. “I suppose you're curious about my feelings for Master Kenobi. You're probably wondering if I seduced him. I imagine most of you believe I seduced Anakin."</p><p>Mace crossed his arms, tilting his chin up. "The idea has crossed my mind that you may be partial to Jedi."</p><p>Padme flushed but her resolve did not waver. "That is fair. My feelings are my own but I can say with full confidence that this is not a passing infatuation. Obi-Wan and I have shared grief and compassion that binds us. There is no man in this world or beyond that knows me the way he does. He has seen my best intentions as well as the all the broken and shattered fragments of my heart." She turned to stare at Obi-Wan, love in her eyes. "My love and respect for him runs so very deep. All of you know what a great man he is and how honored I am to stand beside him."</p><p>Qui-Gon stood up. “There are also practical aspects of a bonded relationship with Padme. Obi-Wan could train in Force Healing, Teleportation - there are many aspects of the force that are not safe to try with a living being.”</p><p>“Then you try it with him, Qui-Gon. No need to involve Padme.” Mace argued.</p><p>Obi-Wan stood beside Qui-Gon. “May I speak freely, Master Windu?"</p><p>Mace nodded. "Go right ahead."</p><p>"I fought to defend Master Qui-Gon.”</p><p>“Yes. We are well aware of your accomplishments, <em>General</em> Kenobi.”</p><p>“I fought for his survival because I love him. He is my family. I have loved him since I was a youngling. I am fiercely attached to him and I am no worse a Jedi for it. Now my heart is open to Padme Amidala. I am not weakened by our attachment.”</p><p>Mace sat back in his chair, displeasure written clearly on his face. “You cannot continue to hold the title of Jedi Knight if this continues. We must establish that in our eyes, you will be stripped of your knighthood.”</p><p>“So be it. Whatever my designation or title, I will leave this room the same man as I walked in. Do you wish that I abandon my post watching over Luke Skywalker?”</p><p>"No."</p><p>Obi-Wan's eyes sparkled. "Would you like me to return my lightsaber?"</p><p>Mace Windu glowered at him, clearly annoyed. “We do not wish that.”</p><p>“Do you wish that I discontinue my daily training with Qui-Gon?”</p><p>“Stop it! You know we only have only a handful of Jedi left and most of them in are hiding. We will not call you Master Obi-Wan from this point forward but we will continue to count on your service.”</p><p>Obi-Wan bowed. “Very well, Master Windu. I am at your service.”</p><p>Obi-Wan turned to Padme as they walked out. “I apologize for not complimenting your floaty dress. It’s quite lovely.”</p><p>“It comes off with a single button.” She whispered.</p><p>“My life gets better by the minute. Loving you is like the warmth of the sun.” He kissed her in full view of the Jedi Council. “Perfect.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>It was fun to think about the Jedi Council of the Netherworld and political elements continuing into the next plane of existence. </p><p>I have returned to this chapter several times recently. I feel like Obi-Wan had a long journey to make peace with failing his Padawan. It didn’t seem important at first but has gnawed away at me.</p><p>I loved the idea that Obi-Wan understood that he would not be diminished by leaving the Order. He would still be a powerful force user with, or without, the title of Jedi Knight.</p><p>The line about liking her better without a dress was, of course, a lift from Handmaid's Tale.</p>
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